30th Birthday Jokes

A collection of 30th Birthday Jokes

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"After 30, a body has a mind of its own."

~ Bette Midler

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"When you turn thirty, a whole new thing happens: you see yourself acting like you parents."

~ Blair Sabol

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Everything I know I learned after I was thirty.

- Georges Clemenceau

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Time and Tide wait for no man,

but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.

- Robert Frost

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Thirty is when you finally get your head

together and your body starts falling apart.

- Caryn Leschen

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A man thirty years old, I said to myself, should have his field of life all ploughed, and his planting well done; for after that it is summer time.

- Lew Wallace

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Thirty is a very attractive age;

London society is full of

women who have of their own

free choice remained thirty-five for years.

- Oscar Wilde

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Moses spent more than 30 years lost in the desert, what are you bitching about!?!?

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A couple had been debating the purchase of a new car for weeks.

He wanted a new truck.

She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything

she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said.

"I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less.

And my 30th birthday is coming up.

You could surprise me."

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th.

Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.

Please send your donations to the "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation," Dallas, Texas.

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A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a 30th birthday present.

After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive.

A sales assistant came up and asked if there was something he could help her with.

"I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of yours are so expensive" she says.

"Well," said the assistant, "I have a really big bullfrog in the back for $100.00.

Would you like to see it?"

"$100.00? For a frog?" said the woman.

The clerk said, "It’s a special frog. It’s gives blow jobs."

So, the woman decides to buy the frog.

She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the frog and they’re both happy.

The woman goes to bed.

Around two in the morning she is awakened by pots and pans banging around in the kitchen.

She gets up to go see what’s going on and, when she gets to the kitchen,

she sees her boyfriend and the frog sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks.

"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" says the woman.

The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out of here!"

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It was my 30th birthday and I wasn't feeling too great when I woke up that morning.

I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday."

I figured, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday."

I felt a little better - at least someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, she smiled at me and said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

Mad at my wife for forgetting about my birthday, not to mention that Janet was quite beautiful, I felt justified in staying. "Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a few minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.

They were all singing Happy Birthday... and there I sat on the couch..