Marriage Jokes - Funny | one liner | clean marriage Jokes

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• A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. “Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?” “I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered. “Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where the hell were you when I got married?”
• Leaving the poker party, late as usual, two friends compared notes. “I can never fool my wife,” the first complained. “I turn off the car’s engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone.” “You’ve got the wrong technique, my friend,” his buddy replied. “I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on my wife’s ass, and ask, ’How ’bout a little?’ and she pretends to be asleep.”
• Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next. Finally a friend asked him, “What’s the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can’t you find anyone who suits you?” “No,” Manny replied. “I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them. So I keep on looking!” “Listen,” his friend suggested, “Why don’t you find a girl who’s just like your dear ole Mother?” Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again. “So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that’s just like your Mother?” Manny shrugged his shoulders, “Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends.” “Excellent!!! So, are you and this girl engaged, yet?” “I’m afraid not. My Father can’t stand her!”
• One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.” “Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.” George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half sister too, George. “I’m awfully sorry about this.” George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.” “Hee hee,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”
• Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke, Fred, says nothing. After a while, Bill turns to Fred and says, “Well, what about you? What sort of control have you got?” “I’ll tell you,” Fred replies. “Just the other night my missus came crawling to me on her hands and knees.” The other two were absolutely amazed. “What happened then?”, Joe asked. “She said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!!!”.
• A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.” The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph. He then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a better lover than you are.” Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. “I want the house,” he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph. He says, “I want the car, too,” but she just drives faster and faster. By now she’s up to ninety mph. “All right,” he says, “I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too.” The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, “Isn’t there anything you want?” The wife says, “No, I’ve got everything I need.” “Oh, really,” he says, “so what have you got?” Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, “The airbag.”