Lawyer Jokes - Funny | one liner | Best Lawyer jokes

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• An anxious 15 year old girl comes home from school, as any other day, though today she has a burning question. Mom, she asks tentatively, can you get pregnant from anal sex? “Don’t be silly sweetheart, of course you can.” replies her mother, “Where do you think lawyers come from?”
• Q:What do lawyers and sperm have in common? A: One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives? A: Their personalities. Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Take your foot off it’s head. Q: What’s the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer? A: One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.
• Two highly successful (female) divorce lawyers were having a few drinks at a bar when a young, incredibly handsome man walked past. Squirming in her chair, one of the ladies blurted out “I’d sure like to screw him!” To which the other replied “Out of what?”
• A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman. “What a ripoff,” the man muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.” Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
• A lawyer’s dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.” “Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves. Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
• Once a Pope and a lawyer died and they went to heaven. So God came and said, ‘Follow me and I will give you your rooms.’ So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room. It was very small with a small bed and a small desk. ‘Thank you, thank you my lord,’ said the Pope. Then God gave the lawyer his room, it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and pretty woman. ‘Mr.God, why do you give all this to me and just that small room to the Pope?’ ‘Well, popes, we have them by the dozens, and lawyers, well, your the first one.
• Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. “1,228,” he answered. “That’s right! You may enter.” St. Peter then turned his attention to the lawyer… “Name them.”
• A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?” The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98.” A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .