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• Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. if the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. “Congratulations! You‘re a free man. Just tell me why didn‘t you jump?“ asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can‘t swim!“
• One summer afternoon, Former President Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. After a long road trip, they stopped at a service station to fill up their car with gas. As it turns out, the owner of the gas station was Hillary’s old high school boyfrined. They exchanged hello’s and brief chit-chat before the former White House couple went on their way. As they were making their way back home, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, “Well, honey… if you had stayed with him, you would now be the wife of a service station owner.” She smirked and replied, “No Bill, if I had stayed with him… he would have been the President of the United States!”
• A Man Goes Into A Pet Store and Buys 2 Fish, He Names Them 1 And 2, His Friend asks Him ” Why did U Call Them 1 And 2?” He Says, “Well if 1 Dies I’ve still Got 2 Left.”
• Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing he said was, “Don’t.” “Don’t what?” Adam replied. “Don’t eat the forbidden fruit,” God said. “Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve…we have forbidden fruit!” “No way!” “Yes, way!” “Do NOT eat the fruit!” said God. “Why?” “Because I am your Father and I said so!” God replied, wondering why he stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and he was ticked! “Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” God, as our first parent, asked. “Uh huh,” Adam replied. “Then why did you?” said the Father. “I don’t know,” said Eve. “She started it!” Adam said. “Did not!” “Did too!” “DID NOT!”Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. This should be fun. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
• A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. “I’d like one under-cooked egg so that it’s runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.” “That’s a complicated order sir,” said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.” The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”
• An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, “For HEAVEN‘S SAKE Dad, don‘t dig up that garden, that‘s where I buried the Money!“ At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son‘s reply was: “Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It‘s the best I could do from here.“
• the police have announced that terrorists have been hiding bombs in cans of alphabet soup, They say if the bombs go off it could spell disaster!
• Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said, “I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”
• An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,“We‘re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive.“ The four open the door and look out below.The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, “God Save The Queen,“ and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, “Viva La France,“ and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, “Remember the Alamo,“ and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
• An older blonde woman heard through a friend that taking a milk bath is good for the skin, will cure stretch marks and make her beautiful again. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk instead of the usual amount. When the milkman arrived, and read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point. The woman came to the door, and the milkman said, “Yes ma’am, I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?” The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.” The milkman asked, “Do you want it Pasteurized?” The blonde replied, “Nope, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes.”