Holiday Jokes- funny one liners holiday jokes for kids and adults

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• Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip…but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: “Where would you like to put this tree Santa?”
• A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn’t notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?” The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, “A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?”
• A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos. The artist says, ‘Sure.’ She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say ‘Happy Thanksgiving.’ On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, ‘Merry Christmas.’ Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
• A dad went to his shrink and the Dr. ask “what seems to be the problem?” ” My son cusses in every sentences what should I do?” Ask him what he want for X-mas and if he tells you without cussing give him that present, but if he cuses while telling you give him dog shit. So he goes home and says son what do you want for X-mas? I want a god damn X-box 360 at the foot of my bed, a Ipod nano with all the shit, and fucking dirt bike. He wake up the next morning and at the foot of his bed was dog shit, opened a box that looked like a Ipod but it was dog shit, he run outside and saw dirt bike shadow but it was dog shit covering his old bike. The dad came out and said “son what did Santa bring you?” I think he brought me a god damn dog but I can’t find the little bastard.
• It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. “What is that?” he asked. She said, “I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo ‘Merry Christmas,’ and on the inside of the other one they tattooed ‘Happy New Year.’” Perplexed, he asked, “Why did you do that?” “Well,” she replied, “Now you can’t complain that there’s never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!”
• On Christmas eve Santa was riding his sleigh and he saw some girls and he said no presents for thoes girls and pointed at each girl and said, ho ho ho.
• The New Year’s Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going. At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement. He sat there happily for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. “You know,” he confided to his host, “I wasn’t even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests’ cars are blocking my driveway.” The guest continued, “My wife’s been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved.”
• you might be a redneck if instead of taking down your xmas tree ornaments, you drag the tree outside and shoot them off with your kids new bb gun!
• One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, ‘what are you supposed to say sweetheart?’ The little girl looks up at the woman and says ‘Twick or Tweat!’ The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, ‘Go ahead honey say it just one more time.’ Once again the little Angel looks up and says, ‘Twick or Tweat!’ The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl’s Treat Bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, ‘Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!’
• It Irish time in the city St patricks day were getting shitty Irish car bombs with celtic songs we drink till u sing it with me
• After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight,” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it – to find a book entitled: “The Meaning of Dreams.”