Drinking Jokes - Funny | short | Beer | drunk Jokes on drinking

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• Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what’s wrong. “I’ve puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me.” The other drunk says “do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned.” “Sounds like a great idea” says drunk number 1. When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says ” look for yourself, there’s ten bucks in my shirt pocket.” His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. “Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you,” says the wife. “He did,” says the drunk. “But he shit in my pants too.”
• My littl girl Abby and I were playing in the grass of our front yard and we were on the steps ready to now cooome in when she saw a spider ! She got creeped so I stepped on it and she said ” mom will it go to heaven?”” I said to her “”sure
• McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. “Inebriated again!” declared the priest. “Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life?” “Father,” asked McCuen. “What causes arthritis?” “I’ll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t,” slurred McCuen. “The Bishop has it!”
• A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. He looks down the bar and sees another piss drunk man keep falling off his stool. The man finishes his drink watching the other man try to get back up on the stool. Feeling sorry for the drunk, the man tries to stand him up, but the drunk keeps falling. The man thinks that this drunk needs to be taken home, so he finds his address in his wallet. On the way to his car, the man had to practically carry the drunk man. After finally finding his house, the man carries the drunk man to the front door. He rings the doorbell and a lady answers. “Ma’am, your husband is drunk, so I decided to give him a lift home.” The woman replies, “Thank you sir, but I have one question…Where’s his wheelchair?”
• A guy walks into a bar and, and notices that behind the bartender there is a big gigantic jar full of 20-dollar bills. So the guy asks Guy: Hey bartender what’s all the money for? Bartender: Well mister, we have a little contest going on. Guy: Oh yea, what is it? Bartender: Well, for 20 dollars, u have to go down to the end of the bar and knock that big fellow there out in one punch. The guy takes a look down at the end of the bar and sees a big, muscular looking guy. Guy: Well, I think I could take him. Bartender: Hold on there partner, there’s more. You see that door over there behind you? Guy: Yea I see it. Bartender: Well I got a pit-bull in there with a rotten tooth and u got to yank it out. The guy thinks for a little while and replies Guy: You know what I’m not of afraid of any dog I could do that. Bartender: Wait a second there partner; there is one more task. Guy: Then hurry up and tell me! Bartender: Why do you see that door to the right of the pit-bull? Guy: Yea Bartender: Why I got my 70-year-old grandma in there and you got to make love to her. Guy: I’M OUTTA THIS BET! But after a couple of hours of drinking at the bar, the guy gets piss drunk. He goes over to the bartender and slaps 20 bucks on the table goes to the end of the bar and WHAM, knocks the big guy out in one punch. Then the guy slowly walks to the door with the pit-bull…he opens the door and steps in…all of a sudden its quite and all the bartender can hear is the growling and barking of an angry dog. The bartender listens closer and can hear things falling and breaking inside the room. Then after awhile the bartender hears the dog whimpering in fear and pain. Then the door opens… The guy slowly crawls out of the room…his clothes are torn and his leg and arms are all bloody…the guy slowly gets up and looks at the bartender: Guy: Now where’s the old bitch with the rotten tooth.
• A short man walks in to the bar and begins to tell the bartender his story: Well, he theths, I wath driving down thith country road, when I thaw a thine that thaid “horth for thale”. I jutht happened to be looking to buy a thorth, tho I turned up the driveway to thee about it. The farmer wath quite nithe about thowing me the horth, but I made it clear to him that it had to be a healthy horth, not jutht any old thag back. The farmer to me it wath a three year old mare. When we got to the horth, I athked the farmer to pick me up to thee the hortheth eyth, becauth I wath too thort. The farmer reluctantly picked me up to thee. I checked the hortheth eyth, and they theemed great, and the farmer put me down. Nexthd, I athked the farmer to pick me up to thee the hortheth teeth. He wath even more reluctant thith time, but he did it. I grabbed the hortheth lipth, lifted them, and tapped on the teeth to be thure they we tholid. They were, and the farmer put me down. We thtepped back thowards the hortheth hind quarter, looking towardth hith head, when I athked the farmer to thee the hortheth twat. The farmer grabbed me, picked me up, and thtuck me in the hortheth bum. Then he pulled me out and thtood me up, right at the back thide of the horth. Well, I wath in thock. I wath covered in poo, and some got in my mouth. As I thpit it out, I thaid to the farmer, “Let me rephrathe that. Can I thee her gallop thlowly?”