One Liner Jokes - Funny | Dirty | Best | Clean |hilarious | Good one liner jokes

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  • You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading . . . And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.
  • Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, “Do you live around here often?” She said, “You’re wearing two different colored socks.” I said, “Yes, but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.” Then she asked, “How do you feel?” and I said, “Well, you know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.”
  • Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
  • Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
  • I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn’t doing what I was doing.
  • I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me–and I didn’t hear it.
  • I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”
  • He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, “Yes, but not right now.”
  • I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.
  • How many rednecks, does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One to hold the bulb, and two to turn the ladder.
  • I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, “Give me two boys and a girl.”
  • I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  • I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
  • There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
  • I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, “No, these are leaving at 3.” They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that’s the part you don’t want to get dirty.
  • I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
  • Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, “If I can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?” Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.
  • I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5′s. The clerk said, “ten-four.”
  • I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies.” So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”…


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